A Writers Intuition

8点∀ A Writers Intuition

Ronan Khanna

I like to write. Well, to be completely honest– I hate writing. I never feel anything is ever good enough to work on after the first few chapters. I want to be a writer though. I have several hundred notebooks filled of ideas I’d like to make into books someday if possible. I keep these little stories close to my heart for without them I’m sure I would lose my motivation to live. I don’t like the way my brain works and my heart remains a mystery. I can hear things others can’t, at least that’s what I believe. I’ve been cursed to roam the earth with schizoaffective disorder, and it becomes difficult to want to continue living at times when the voices are telling me I’m not going to accomplish anything. It makes me wonder if this is the reason I don’t have the confidence to come out with a novel of my own.

I’m turning twenty-seven this year and the panic of underachieving is starting to make its home inside of me. I tell myself day by day that I’ll start taking writing more seriously but the more serious I try to get the more my condition drags me down. I never wanted a job but now with the help of financial aid I’m going back to school to hopefully get work in a field that has to do with writing. All these minimum wage jobs are just not cutting it and living off disability checks makes it hard to do much of anything. I’m nervous because holding down a job meant dealing with demons inhabiting humans from what I had in mind. We all have our demons but when I notice them within other people it becomes such a drag to want to keep working there and I eventually quit not being able to take the mental abuse.